Your Huddled Masses

America is facing an immigration crisis. A recent study found that roughly 7.2 million illegal immigrants held jobs in the U.S., making up nearly 5 percent of the entire labor force.

While politicians debate myriad ways to address this, including legislation that would make providing food or medical care for immigrants a felony, we present an even more sensible six-point plan to solve this issue once and for all.

I. Stopping the Flow
First, we must stem the massive tide of immigrants. We can accomplish this with three programs:

1. Big Ass Immigration Prevention Wall (BAIPW) – We will construct a BAIPM around the American border, including coastlines as many illegal immigrants are very good swimmers. Texas will be walled off also, as it considers itself another country and therefore cannot be trusted. Construction costs will be in excess of $320 trillion, though costs can be reduced significantly by hiring illegal immigrants to do the construction.
   
2. Make America Less Appealing (MALA) – Illegal immigration is the symptom; America’s abundant opportunities are the disease. Through MALA, we will make America less desirable for all tired, poor and/or huddled masses yearning to breathe free. This program will start by eliminating industries like construction and agriculture that offer ways for immigrants to make small wages for extremely hard work. In support, an advertising campaign with the theme “America: Not as Great as You’d Think” will be launched worldwide and word will be spread that America currently allows only well-rested, prosperous masses through its golden door.
   
3. Proactive Deportation Program – Studies show that foreign countries are the top source of illegal immigrants in America. A proactive deportation program will fight illegal immigration at its source, deporting citizens of countries like Mexico, and Haiti from their own countries. These citizens will be moved to countries farther away from America that offer fewer transportation options and higher mortality rates.

II. Draining the Pool
Next, we must turn our attention to the resident illegal population. This can be addressed in three steps:

1. Limited Amnesty – Citizenship will be granted to a limited number of resident illegals (not to exceed seven) who agree to strict terms, including: (a) must swear loyalty to the United States and to the reigning People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive, promising to think of no others as sexier until a new man has been declared most sexy; and (b) agreement to reside in their country of origin and to never again set foot in the United States.
   
2. Non-Native Deportation – As a precautionary measure, all people not born in the United States will be deported to their country of origin. Native Americans will also be deported because it is hard sometimes for white people to tell them apart from Mexicans.
   
3. Supplemental Deportation – Additionally, we will deport anyone who owns an ethnic restaurant (e.g. Chinese or fried chicken) and anyone who has ever eaten at one to the country of their choice. Tex-Mex restaurant owners/patrons will be deported to Texas. They will not be allowed to petition for a better placement.

We believe this six-point plan is a practical and reasonable way to end America’s illegal immigration crisis and ensure that no one takes a job from an American, no matter how bad that job is or how little any American even wants to take it in the first place.

Wilford Brimley for Genital Herpes

Hello friend. If you’re in the market for a sexually transmitted disease, I’d like to tell you about one I recommend to my own family: genital herpes. It’s done well by me and it can do well for you too.

Genital herpes isn’t just for cheap Asian prostitutes and Kid Rock. Most of the movie stars you’ve admired for years have it too. Jessica Tandy and Hume Cronyn, my co-stars in the movie Cocoon, had genital herpes – got it in a drunken three-way with Frank Sinatra. Brian Dennehy didn’t have it then, but does now and tells me he wishes I’d given it to him sooner. I was in The Natural with Robert Redford. You may have heard of him. Well, Redford has had genital herpes since 13 and believes in it so much he’s spent a good part of his life spreading it to others.

Genital herpes is more common than asthma (and more fun to get). In fact, more than 45 million folks across our country – that’s one of every five people 13 and older – have genital herpes. It’s as American as apple pie and backroom cockfighting. You may even have it already. Just read that 90 percent of people who have it don’t even know it.

I know I have genital herpes. Glad to. Have been since I first got it back in ’68. To this day, every time those love bumps make a return visit to my privates, it takes me back to those perfect young days in Utah, driving cattle and sodomizing young migrant ranch hands under big blue skies so pretty they make you want to cry.

Now, some people, especially those slick suits at the drug companies, will tell you genital herpes is something you don’t want to have. They’ll tell you it’s painful. Sure, sometimes it feels like I’m pissing fire and my crotch is being gnawed by an angry swarm of fire ants. But it’s a small price to pay for something that gives so much peace of mind. And how bad can it be if 1 million people every year choose to get genital herpes. Before long, you’ll be a social outcast for not having genital herpes.

So if you’re ready to join the millions of Americans who’ve already made genital herpes their sexually transmitted disease of choice, call my friends at Liberty Medical Services. They’ve got experienced folks who will come right to your door and won’t leave until you’ve got genital herpes too. And they’ll even take 20 percent off the cost of your diabetic supplies. Let’s see gonorrhea or syphilis promise that.

Genital herpes has done a lot of good for me. See what it can do for you. Call the good people at Liberty. You’ll be glad you did.

Standing Pat

The story of St. Patrick has become largely mythical. Little was known about the true life of the man who would become patron saint of American alcoholics -- until now. Scholars at Trinity University in Dublin recently discovered an ancient text that sheds new light on St. Patrick's legend. Here, made public for the first time, is that priceless document.

* * * *

Standing Pat: My Life on the Emerald Isle
By "Saint" Patrick
With Dave Andersen

Review by Daniel O'Shane, Co. Down Stout-Examiner, March 15, 450

The Irish value a good story near as much as strong drink and accommodating women. In his new memoir, Irish legend "Saint" Patrick -- as he has taken to calling himself -- offers a good story poorly told.

Patrick, best known for spreading the word of the Christian God across Erin with his seminal funk band Patrick McMurphy and the Christian Shamrock All-Stars, delivers a maddeningly shallow account of a life that certainly offers more material than covered in this slim volume. Rather than reflection or revelations, the reader is subjected to basic accounts of well-worn tales and frequent forays into self-importance -- carried through with writing that is dry as the timbers of the Gaelic bonfires.

Patrick was born in Briton and came to Ireland seeking work in the burgeoning mid-20's Antrim music scene. Signed to a songwriting contract by despotic Irish King and record promoter Niall of the Nine Hostages, Patrick worked in the famed Slemish Mountain Building, penning hits for legendary bands like The Michael McTartendougal Experience and Strawberry Leprechaun.

Three years hence, Patrick met God, who told him to leave Slemish Mountain and strike out on his own. While career advice from the Creator should be rich narrative territory, Patrick disappoints the reader by glossing over the incident, offering few insights other than noting God was "shorter than[Patrick] thought he'd be."

To show his gratitude to God for divine direction, Patrick formed several Christian bands, struggling on the potato circuit for years. Finally in 433, at King Laoghaire's annual battle of the bands, Patrick and the newly constituted All-Stars exploded with a revolutionary brand of progressive folk-funk, dooming the pagan contemporary style then in vogue.

Patrick, again, misses an opportunity to cover new ground. The formation of the All-Stars, for example, rates barely a paragraph. The reader is left wondering how notorious bassist Chieftan McFunky came to join, or what inspired such All-Stars hits as Funky Clover or Corned Funk and Cabbage. The rest of the book follows this path, providing little you haven't heard before. Patrick concludes with a list of miraculous deeds he claims to have performed -- an attempt to frame his pretentious candidacy for beatification by the Christian Church.

In short, Standing Pat is a disappointing self-examination by one of Ireland's most treasured personalities. Patrick's story offers so much possibility; we can't help but label this as a great artistic miss in an otherwise impeccable career. Nevertheless, the book will appeal to a narrow band of Patrick fanatics, but if you're not in their ranks, don't waste your screppals.

My Fellow Smithtownians...

Voters of Smithtown, I, Fred Freederhoffen – owner of Freederhoffen Motormart, just off highway 12, home of sign and drive for $105 -- announce my candidacy and humbly submit myself for consideration for Smithtown City Council Member-at-Large.

My opponent in next month’s primaries (who may or may not be a member of whichever group you're most against) has been vocal in the Smithtown Shopper. He says I don’t have enough experience. He says my regular public drunkenness and criminal record (no felony convictions, by the way) should disqualify me from this historic run.

But my very good friend Jack Thompson forgets what truly makes the difference in an election: I will tell you exactly what you want to hear. There is no issue large or small that I won’t not take a firm stand on.

Is a liberal application of eminent domain threatening your home? I think it’s time the government got off the backs of the little guys and stuck it those greedy land developers. Eminent domain proceedings not going fast enough to get your development going? Well, we can’t let a few nuisance homeowners get in the way of progress!

Concealed weapons: some say we have a constitutional right to bear arms and protect ourselves. Others say this is a ludicrous folly propagated by right-wing nut jobs. What do I say? Whatever you say!

Friends, I’m so committed to bringing your voice into government that I’ll even take multiple stands on issues the Smithtown City Council has no say in. If elected, I’ll pass a resolution condemning foreign management of American ports. Too isolationist for you? I’ll pass another one saying we should disband our federal government and submit to the will of the U.N. Fred Freederhoffen is a man of the people, by the people and for the people – each and every one of them.

Friends, I’m not doing this for me, or the $85 monthly stipend, I’m doing this for all the citizens of Smithtown who never get their voices heard by those fat cat incumbents down at City Hall. By taking as many stands as necessary to get the job done, you can count on this fat cat to tell it like it is – or at least how each of you thinks it is.

Of course, my opponent will try to confuse you with accusations that I’m a flip-flopper, or worse, a Democrat. But I won't go negative (unless you like negative campaigning, in which case I'll mention that my opponent possibly tortures small animals on a regular basis).

A new wind is blowing across our town, a fresh and mighty wind ripe with truth and justice that’s going to carry us all the way to City Hall. So join me and together we’ll tell that puppy kicker Jack Thompson that Fred Freederhoffen is coming. And he’s bringing every single voter with him.

God bless you. God bless Smithtown. And don’t forget to stop by Freederhoffen Motormart, just off highway 12, where we’ve got a great selection of quality used cars at prices you can afford!

Public Service

Liberal media types and their bleeding heart ilk are on a crusade against one of America's most vital social tools: stereotyping. They say making generalizations about someone based on race, gender or religion is a hurtful, shameful act that undermines the greater good. That's about as farfetched an idea as a black president.

What stereotyping really does is give busy people like me an efficient way to get to know those around me without having to actually get to know those around me. I won't waste time asking the lady in the next cubicle if she'll drive to lunch because she's Asian (you don't want to get into a car with those people). And I never worry what our Native American delivery guy thinks of our shipping process because I can assume he's too drunk to care.

Yes, some lesser groups – like gays, blacks, Hispanics, women, Jews, Muslims, Catholics, Southerners, Midwesterners, Canadians and so on – may experience, at times, a slight inconvenience or minor loss of income potential because of stereotyping. But the overarching societal benefits far outweigh any drawbacks to a few people on the fringes.

Take the TV programs and movies we all enjoy so much. Without placing stock characters in stereotypical situations with highly predictable outcomes, would today's writers be able to come up with the high quality, thought-provoking work they're known for? Not likely.

And stereotyping greases the squeaky wheels of commerce. If advertisers stopped, for example, portraying seniors as happy, vibrant people and showed them to be the angry, bitter stoop-backs they are, sales would plummet and corporate resources would be drained averting Preparation H boycotts and responding to strongly worded letters. You know what that would mean for the rest of us: higher prices. And who can afford that these days with all those Arab terrorists making it so expensive to fill up the Hummer?

So the next time someone gives you a dirty look just because you said a Jewish guy was cheaper than a Vietnamese whore, remember that by stereotyping people, you're really doing them a favor – and doing us all a public service. Because when you point out that a Polish guy is too stupid to perform simple household tasks, or that a woman is too emotional and too busy having her period to run a company, you're reinforcing and strengthening the traditional assumptions that keep our society moving like a deadbeat dad.

Oscar Fever

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

ATLANTA (March 2, 2006) – The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has issued a global pandemic alert for the deadly virus feverus academius ridiculous – commonly known as Oscar Fever – which has already infected millions. CDC officials believe the outbreak could be reclassified as a pandemic by tomorrow, with potential infection levels approaching 1 billion people worldwide.
Dr. James Fritzenhorst, CDC Director of Frivolous Diseases, notes that while Oscar Fever outbreaks have occurred annually for the past 77 years, scientists are puzzled about this year’s particularly aggressive strain.

“Typically these kinds of blockbuster outbreaks are fueled by one or two organisms that deliver near universal exposure to the population and serve as catalysts for mass infection,” Fritzenhorst said. “This year we just haven’t had that optimal breeding ground. Exposure to the host organisms has been limited to small segments of the population and the organisms themselves are of much lower quality than those we’ve seen in many previous outbreaks. Frankly, we’re at a loss as to why this is spreading at all.”

Symptoms Hard to Diagnose, Treatments Few
According to Fritzenhorst, early symptoms of Oscar Fever may be confused with normal behavior, which makes diagnosis a challenge. Infection may show initially as nothing more than scanning a copy of Entertainment Weekly or watching a few minutes of Access Hollywood. But as the disease progresses, symptoms rapidly get worse.

With second-stage onset, patients often experience an insatiable need for information about celebrities and Hollywood in general, with less and less interest in issues that may actually impact their lives or the real world around them. If left untreated, the disease can ultimately be fatal for a patient’s grasp on reality and substance.

What makes the looming Oscar Fever pandemic particularly troubling, experts say, is the lack of effective treatments after contraction.

“There are some radical options like actually viewing nominated movies, but we advise against that,” said Dr. Jacqueline Van Hauten-Lewellenberger of the University of Georgia Medical Center. “A person’s best option, truly, is to ride out the disease and hope it passes. In best case scenarios, outbreaks abate in less than a week.”

Avoiding Infection
The only real treatment for Oscar Fever is to avoid getting it at all. The CDC has released a list of ways the public can protect themselves from infection:

• Abstain from Hollywood/celebrity themed Web sites and programming.
• Do not engage in office pools or other gambling schemes in which you predict winners of various categories.
• Avoid congregating with others to view the Academy Awards. Particularly avoid parties that serve appetizers named after nominated films/actors.
• Remind yourself that George Clooney doesn’t know you, will never know you and would drive over a crowd of legless orphans to avoid talking to you.
• Do something productive.

For more information about Oscar Fever, visit the Centers for Disease Control Web site at cdc.gov or consult your mental healthcare professional.