Love Thy Neighbor

Good morning my brothers and sisters of the Church of the Vengeful Christ.

We’re here on this glorious day, filled with the warmth and compassion of the season of Resurrection. Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, who died so that our sins may be forgiven, has risen! His love lifts our hearts to the heavens. His compassion fills our souls with brotherly love.

And so it is fitting in this Easter season that we gather at this funeral to thank God for the death of another American soldier and to celebrate His smiting this nation because our godless leaders and their nearly 300 million sinful sheep are marching lockstep into a vile pit of filth and wickedness. Into a den of iniquity lined with the blackened souls of heathen homosexuals.

It is too late for those heathens, but those who accept the Gospel truth will share in the saving grace of our Lord, Jesus Christ. As our holy brother Fred Phelps and his ministry at the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas, have shown us by popularizing these righteous funeral protests, we who are to be saved are called upon by our Lord to spread His word and rid His world of the heathens and all those who sympathize with them.

But this mighty crusade cannot stop at the cemetery gates. We at the Church of the Vengeful Christ must do more to advance this cause from our Almighty.

Our ministry will not limit these godly protests to the funerals of soldiers. From this point forward, we commit the full spirit and energy of our ministry to demonstrating God's awesome hatred at every conceivable opportunity. We will let no misstep or mishap that befalls the family or friend of a dead soldier go uncelebrated.

Whether fatal injury or mere inconvenience, we will be there, our sails filled with the winds of God’s mighty fury. Our path lighted by God’s fiery wrath. As it is written in Gospel, so it is: all the people of the earth might know the hand of the Lord, that it is mighty: that ye might fear the lord your God forever.

So when a dead soldier’s brother forgets to pay his electric bill and incurs a $10 late fee…we will be there in front of his house reminding him of the true reason for his mistake: God's hatred of homosexual America.

When a dead soldier’s aunt turns on the television only to find her favorite program has been pre-empted by a golf tournament that ran long…we will be there.

And when a dead soldier’s neighbor leaves the milk out on the counter, causing it to spoil…we will be there rejoicing over every joyful curdle.

For every parking ticket, every difficult bowel movement, every ice cream headache is a swift and just punishment from God and a living sign of His hatred for the homosexuals and all those who fail to condemn them. Fiery death to them as the Gospel prescribes! And may the hounds of hell feast on the flesh of all too weak to oppose this homosexualization of America.

Praise Jesus! Our blessed Savior has risen and our sins be forgiven!