Your Huddled Masses

America is facing an immigration crisis. A recent study found that roughly 7.2 million illegal immigrants held jobs in the U.S., making up nearly 5 percent of the entire labor force.

While politicians debate myriad ways to address this, including legislation that would make providing food or medical care for immigrants a felony, we present an even more sensible six-point plan to solve this issue once and for all.

I. Stopping the Flow
First, we must stem the massive tide of immigrants. We can accomplish this with three programs:

1. Big Ass Immigration Prevention Wall (BAIPW) – We will construct a BAIPM around the American border, including coastlines as many illegal immigrants are very good swimmers. Texas will be walled off also, as it considers itself another country and therefore cannot be trusted. Construction costs will be in excess of $320 trillion, though costs can be reduced significantly by hiring illegal immigrants to do the construction.
   
2. Make America Less Appealing (MALA) – Illegal immigration is the symptom; America’s abundant opportunities are the disease. Through MALA, we will make America less desirable for all tired, poor and/or huddled masses yearning to breathe free. This program will start by eliminating industries like construction and agriculture that offer ways for immigrants to make small wages for extremely hard work. In support, an advertising campaign with the theme “America: Not as Great as You’d Think” will be launched worldwide and word will be spread that America currently allows only well-rested, prosperous masses through its golden door.
   
3. Proactive Deportation Program – Studies show that foreign countries are the top source of illegal immigrants in America. A proactive deportation program will fight illegal immigration at its source, deporting citizens of countries like Mexico, and Haiti from their own countries. These citizens will be moved to countries farther away from America that offer fewer transportation options and higher mortality rates.

II. Draining the Pool
Next, we must turn our attention to the resident illegal population. This can be addressed in three steps:

1. Limited Amnesty – Citizenship will be granted to a limited number of resident illegals (not to exceed seven) who agree to strict terms, including: (a) must swear loyalty to the United States and to the reigning People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive, promising to think of no others as sexier until a new man has been declared most sexy; and (b) agreement to reside in their country of origin and to never again set foot in the United States.
   
2. Non-Native Deportation – As a precautionary measure, all people not born in the United States will be deported to their country of origin. Native Americans will also be deported because it is hard sometimes for white people to tell them apart from Mexicans.
   
3. Supplemental Deportation – Additionally, we will deport anyone who owns an ethnic restaurant (e.g. Chinese or fried chicken) and anyone who has ever eaten at one to the country of their choice. Tex-Mex restaurant owners/patrons will be deported to Texas. They will not be allowed to petition for a better placement.

We believe this six-point plan is a practical and reasonable way to end America’s illegal immigration crisis and ensure that no one takes a job from an American, no matter how bad that job is or how little any American even wants to take it in the first place.