Thursday, March 23, 2006

Wilford Brimley for Genital Herpes

Hello friend. If you’re in the market for a sexually transmitted disease, I’d like to tell you about one I recommend to my own family: genital herpes. It’s done well by me and it can do well for you too.

Genital herpes isn’t just for cheap Asian prostitutes and Kid Rock. Most of the movie stars you’ve admired for years have it too. Jessica Tandy and Hume Cronyn, my co-stars in the movie Cocoon, had genital herpes – got it in a drunken three-way with Frank Sinatra. Brian Dennehy didn’t have it then, but does now and tells me he wishes I’d given it to him sooner. I was in The Natural with Robert Redford. You may have heard of him. Well, Redford has had genital herpes since 13 and believes in it so much he’s spent a good part of his life spreading it to others.

Genital herpes is more common than asthma (and more fun to get). In fact, more than 45 million folks across our country – that’s one of every five people 13 and older – have genital herpes. It’s as American as apple pie and backroom cockfighting. You may even have it already. Just read that 90 percent of people who have it don’t even know it.

I know I have genital herpes. Glad to. Have been since I first got it back in ’68. To this day, every time those love bumps make a return visit to my privates, it takes me back to those perfect young days in Utah, driving cattle and sodomizing young migrant ranch hands under big blue skies so pretty they make you want to cry.

Now, some people, especially those slick suits at the drug companies, will tell you genital herpes is something you don’t want to have. They’ll tell you it’s painful. Sure, sometimes it feels like I’m pissing fire and my crotch is being gnawed by an angry swarm of fire ants. But it’s a small price to pay for something that gives so much peace of mind. And how bad can it be if 1 million people every year choose to get genital herpes. Before long, you’ll be a social outcast for not having genital herpes.

So if you’re ready to join the millions of Americans who’ve already made genital herpes their sexually transmitted disease of choice, call my friends at Liberty Medical Services. They’ve got experienced folks who will come right to your door and won’t leave until you’ve got genital herpes too. And they’ll even take 20 percent off the cost of your diabetic supplies. Let’s see gonorrhea or syphilis promise that.

Genital herpes has done a lot of good for me. See what it can do for you. Call the good people at Liberty. You’ll be glad you did.


disgusted said...

You are a sick individual.

your wife said...

Well, honey, there's something I've been meaning to tell you for years. After reading your most recent essay, I'm guessing you won't be as mad as I thought . . .

Prior said...

Oh its good, and its good for you too.

When I was a boy, my grandfather tried to give me it, and now, I give it to my grandson...cause he's someone special too.

Charles said...

I suffered a genital herpes last year and I was onmedical control. Now I decided Buy Viagra to improve my sex life.

Anonymous said...

That's a friggin riot! It is great that you can teach an important lesson with humor. If I didn't now that unborn babies can be born with the love bumps in their eyes and mouth, often making them blind well, i would be laying in the hay pile right now gittin her done -so I can have some of them itchy drippy love warts of my own! But i never been the type to share, i aint givin away my sex spots to my babies!!! they will have to grow up and chose to get their own!

Anonymous said...

where i comes from, we lovingly call our genital herpes "our greenie drippings" or "the greenie drip'

Sharon said...


1 in 4 sexually active teenagers become infected with an STD every year, in the United States alone. Now, more than ever, we need to join together to fight this growing issue. As I read through your website, it is clear that you share the same passion for STD/STI awareness. We here, at, understand the importance of STD/STI prevention and treatments. If you could, please list us as a resource or host our social book mark button, it would be much appreciated. We can not reach every teenager, but together we can try.
If you need more information please email me with the sublect line as your URL.

Thank you,
Sharon Vegoe

Big Rick said...

I have'nt gotten those yet but it dose'nt really sound nice at all. If there is a pleasure there in having it please shoe me how . I've gotten the crabs through a three some when i was 19 and wild as a deer , but had a good time though .