Monday, February 27, 2006

The Pink Menace

Through 13 years of marriage, my wife Bonnie and I have had some hard times, but our marriage has never been threatened like it is today. True, Bonnie and I haven’t ever really cared about each other that much, and I’ve been sleeping with that cashier girl from the Cracker Barrel for a few months. But our marriage is under attack from something much worse than indifference and infidelity: the homosexuals.

Maybe you’ve heard the homosexuals are trying to get married. Now, I’ve got no problem with some hot girl-on-girl action on Cinemax every now and then – but we’ve got to draw the line somewhere. Gays say they just want the legal protections that people like Bonnie and me get. They say they’re in loving relationships and want to be able to formally recognize them. Well, I’m not buying it.

You see, the gays are a sneaky bunch. It seems like they only take over our most worthless industries, like fashion and movies, but don’t be fooled. These people are everywhere and they’re quietly organizing a vast conspiracy to bring down one of our most sacred institutions. They’ve already ruined cowboys with that Bareback Mountain movie – just think what they’ll do to marriage if we let them sink their well-manicured claws into it!

Bonnie and I are victims of this attack on marriage. Thanks to homosexuals like Elton John and SpongeBob SquarePants, our vows are dangerously close to collapse. Bonnie and I can barely speak to each other. We don’t have relations much anymore and when we do, we don’t even turn off the races.

Well, a man can only be pushed so far before he pushes back. Unlike these homosexuals, I pay my taxes and I go to church and I think it’s high time we sent them all a message by passing a U.S. constitutional amendment to make it official that marriage is between a man and a woman only. No exceptions. Not even for hot women.

Write your senators! Write your congressmen! Write your legislatures and tell them you’ve had enough of the pink menace! If we let these gays get married, who knows what they’ll do next. Inherit property from each other? Not on my watch!

Amending our constitution is the only real way to show these people just what they can do with their gay marriage and civil unions and whatever. This crap may fly in Hawaii, but not here in the U.S.A.! I mean, our national anthem doesn’t call this the land of the free to marry a dude. We’re not just defending marriage. We’re defending America!

If you think this is someone else’s problem, think again. The homosexual threat has already crippled my marriage. Will yours be next?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You've left me nearly speechless.

I was just wondering though...do you think Bonnie would have any interest meeting me for a drink?

It never hurts to ask.