Oscar Fever

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

ATLANTA (March 2, 2006) – The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has issued a global pandemic alert for the deadly virus feverus academius ridiculous – commonly known as Oscar Fever – which has already infected millions. CDC officials believe the outbreak could be reclassified as a pandemic by tomorrow, with potential infection levels approaching 1 billion people worldwide.
Dr. James Fritzenhorst, CDC Director of Frivolous Diseases, notes that while Oscar Fever outbreaks have occurred annually for the past 77 years, scientists are puzzled about this year’s particularly aggressive strain.

“Typically these kinds of blockbuster outbreaks are fueled by one or two organisms that deliver near universal exposure to the population and serve as catalysts for mass infection,” Fritzenhorst said. “This year we just haven’t had that optimal breeding ground. Exposure to the host organisms has been limited to small segments of the population and the organisms themselves are of much lower quality than those we’ve seen in many previous outbreaks. Frankly, we’re at a loss as to why this is spreading at all.”

Symptoms Hard to Diagnose, Treatments Few
According to Fritzenhorst, early symptoms of Oscar Fever may be confused with normal behavior, which makes diagnosis a challenge. Infection may show initially as nothing more than scanning a copy of Entertainment Weekly or watching a few minutes of Access Hollywood. But as the disease progresses, symptoms rapidly get worse.

With second-stage onset, patients often experience an insatiable need for information about celebrities and Hollywood in general, with less and less interest in issues that may actually impact their lives or the real world around them. If left untreated, the disease can ultimately be fatal for a patient’s grasp on reality and substance.

What makes the looming Oscar Fever pandemic particularly troubling, experts say, is the lack of effective treatments after contraction.

“There are some radical options like actually viewing nominated movies, but we advise against that,” said Dr. Jacqueline Van Hauten-Lewellenberger of the University of Georgia Medical Center. “A person’s best option, truly, is to ride out the disease and hope it passes. In best case scenarios, outbreaks abate in less than a week.”

Avoiding Infection
The only real treatment for Oscar Fever is to avoid getting it at all. The CDC has released a list of ways the public can protect themselves from infection:

• Abstain from Hollywood/celebrity themed Web sites and programming.
• Do not engage in office pools or other gambling schemes in which you predict winners of various categories.
• Avoid congregating with others to view the Academy Awards. Particularly avoid parties that serve appetizers named after nominated films/actors.
• Remind yourself that George Clooney doesn’t know you, will never know you and would drive over a crowd of legless orphans to avoid talking to you.
• Do something productive.

For more information about Oscar Fever, visit the Centers for Disease Control Web site at cdc.gov or consult your mental healthcare professional.