Standing Pat

The story of St. Patrick has become largely mythical. Little was known about the true life of the man who would become patron saint of American alcoholics -- until now. Scholars at Trinity University in Dublin recently discovered an ancient text that sheds new light on St. Patrick's legend. Here, made public for the first time, is that priceless document.

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Standing Pat: My Life on the Emerald Isle
By "Saint" Patrick
With Dave Andersen

Review by Daniel O'Shane, Co. Down Stout-Examiner, March 15, 450

The Irish value a good story near as much as strong drink and accommodating women. In his new memoir, Irish legend "Saint" Patrick -- as he has taken to calling himself -- offers a good story poorly told.

Patrick, best known for spreading the word of the Christian God across Erin with his seminal funk band Patrick McMurphy and the Christian Shamrock All-Stars, delivers a maddeningly shallow account of a life that certainly offers more material than covered in this slim volume. Rather than reflection or revelations, the reader is subjected to basic accounts of well-worn tales and frequent forays into self-importance -- carried through with writing that is dry as the timbers of the Gaelic bonfires.

Patrick was born in Briton and came to Ireland seeking work in the burgeoning mid-20's Antrim music scene. Signed to a songwriting contract by despotic Irish King and record promoter Niall of the Nine Hostages, Patrick worked in the famed Slemish Mountain Building, penning hits for legendary bands like The Michael McTartendougal Experience and Strawberry Leprechaun.

Three years hence, Patrick met God, who told him to leave Slemish Mountain and strike out on his own. While career advice from the Creator should be rich narrative territory, Patrick disappoints the reader by glossing over the incident, offering few insights other than noting God was "shorter than[Patrick] thought he'd be."

To show his gratitude to God for divine direction, Patrick formed several Christian bands, struggling on the potato circuit for years. Finally in 433, at King Laoghaire's annual battle of the bands, Patrick and the newly constituted All-Stars exploded with a revolutionary brand of progressive folk-funk, dooming the pagan contemporary style then in vogue.

Patrick, again, misses an opportunity to cover new ground. The formation of the All-Stars, for example, rates barely a paragraph. The reader is left wondering how notorious bassist Chieftan McFunky came to join, or what inspired such All-Stars hits as Funky Clover or Corned Funk and Cabbage. The rest of the book follows this path, providing little you haven't heard before. Patrick concludes with a list of miraculous deeds he claims to have performed -- an attempt to frame his pretentious candidacy for beatification by the Christian Church.

In short, Standing Pat is a disappointing self-examination by one of Ireland's most treasured personalities. Patrick's story offers so much possibility; we can't help but label this as a great artistic miss in an otherwise impeccable career. Nevertheless, the book will appeal to a narrow band of Patrick fanatics, but if you're not in their ranks, don't waste your screppals.