The Olive Garden of Eden

Ladies and gentlemen of the Stonebridge Pines neighborhood association covenant enforcement committee, I’m here as a concerned neighbor to testify against the Campbell family in these proceedings and urge you to take all measures within your powers to eliminate this dark cloud from our otherwise sunny subdivision.

The Campbells have painted themselves as normal suburban people like you and me. But look deeper and you’ll see a family that is not, in fact, like you and me. They’re different. And not in the way Pier 1 is different from World Market. No, it’s a sinister kind of different, one that threatens us all.

Yes, Mrs. Campbell – as any petite woman should – purchased an SUV despite rising gas prices and a lack of nearby mountainous terrain. But her Grand Cherokee hardly gives her claim to suburban credibility. It’s large and fuel inefficient, but where is the third row seating so necessary for a family of three? Where is the DVD entertainment system? Where is the V-12 engine with the ability to tow a semi-truck – a basic necessity here in the suburbs?

Mr. Campbell also stated that he owns a set of golf clubs. But he didn’t tell you he paid $60 for the set (including bag) at ShopKo eight years ago and hasn’t been on a course in five years. The guy doesn’t know a Ping G5 hybrid from a Big Bertha Fusion FT-3 driver and, what’s worse, he doesn’t even care. I’ll let that sink in for a moment.

Let’s discuss their yard. Mr. Campbell mows it weekly and applies dangerous chemicals to the grass. But in five years of ownership, the front yard is still overrun by crabgrass. And the back yard? The only place you should see that many shades of brown is in a J. Crew catalog. What true suburban man wouldn’t sacrifice everything he had – friends, family, etc. – for a lush, weed-free lawn? For that matter, what true human wouldn’t do the same?

And yes, the Campbells recently purchased a ridiculously gigantic backyard play system for their daughter, even though the neighborhood playground is only a half-mile away. But their daughter actually plays on the system regularly. These people should know, as you do, that these play systems are intended largely to assuage the guilt of detached parents trying desperately to buy their children’s affection and obedience. Rarely would true suburban children actually use these things.

Sadly, there’s more. The Campbells don’t drink white zinfandel. Their daughter doesn’t play soccer. And what’s more, they make regular forays into other parts of town for dinner even though there are perfectly good chain restaurants like the Olive Garden five minutes away.

Ladies and gentlemen of the committee, I ask you. Are these the kind of people we want living among us? Among our children? Of course not.

So tell the Campbells we’ll no longer tolerate them, or their disinterest in making banal small talk over the fence about the transgressions of other neighbors. Stand up for what’s right. Preserve and protect our way of life and ensure people like this no longer disturb our perceptions or threaten our illusions.

Find them in violation on all counts and remove them, ladies and gentlemen, or may God have mercy on your lawns.