Voters of Smithtown, I, Fred Freederhoffen – owner of Freederhoffen Motormart, just off highway 12, home of sign and drive for $105 -- announce my candidacy and humbly submit myself for consideration for Smithtown City Council Member-at-Large.
My opponent in next month’s primaries (who may or may not be a member of whichever group you're most against) has been vocal in the Smithtown Shopper. He says I don’t have enough experience. He says my regular public drunkenness and criminal record (no felony convictions, by the way) should disqualify me from this historic run.
But my very good friend Jack Thompson forgets what truly makes the difference in an election: I will tell you exactly what you want to hear. There is no issue large or small that I won’t not take a firm stand on.
Is a liberal application of eminent domain threatening your home? I think it’s time the government got off the backs of the little guys and stuck it those greedy land developers. Eminent domain proceedings not going fast enough to get your development going? Well, we can’t let a few nuisance homeowners get in the way of progress!
Concealed weapons: some say we have a constitutional right to bear arms and protect ourselves. Others say this is a ludicrous folly propagated by right-wing nut jobs. What do I say? Whatever you say!
Friends, I’m so committed to bringing your voice into government that I’ll even take multiple stands on issues the Smithtown City Council has no say in. If elected, I’ll pass a resolution condemning foreign management of American ports. Too isolationist for you? I’ll pass another one saying we should disband our federal government and submit to the will of the U.N. Fred Freederhoffen is a man of the people, by the people and for the people – each and every one of them.
Friends, I’m not doing this for me, or the $85 monthly stipend, I’m doing this for all the citizens of Smithtown who never get their voices heard by those fat cat incumbents down at City Hall. By taking as many stands as necessary to get the job done, you can count on this fat cat to tell it like it is – or at least how each of you thinks it is.
Of course, my opponent will try to confuse you with accusations that I’m a flip-flopper, or worse, a Democrat. But I won't go negative (unless you like negative campaigning, in which case I'll mention that my opponent possibly tortures small animals on a regular basis).
A new wind is blowing across our town, a fresh and mighty wind ripe with truth and justice that’s going to carry us all the way to City Hall. So join me and together we’ll tell that puppy kicker Jack Thompson that Fred Freederhoffen is coming. And he’s bringing every single voter with him.
God bless you. God bless Smithtown. And don’t forget to stop by Freederhoffen Motormart, just off highway 12, where we’ve got a great selection of quality used cars at prices you can afford!
