Love Her to Death

My roommate Stephanie, I love her to death, but sometimes she just gets on my nerves. I mean does she think I really want to keep talking about her loser boyfriend Brad? Last night I had to pretend to fall asleep to get her to stop telling me – for like the umpteenth time – how much of a bastard he was. I could have told her he was a jerk that first night they hooked up after the bar. God, she can be such a slut.

She is such a sweet girl, we've been friends forever, but have you seen her in those new pants? Last week I was this close to breaking down and telling her the pants made her ass look like a Burberry purse swallowed a hippo. And who told her those glasses were a good idea? It's not like we live in Des Moines or some other backwoods hick place like that. This is Wichita for God's sake! Get with it!

Don't get me wrong, Steph is so nice, I mean, she is the greatest girl in the world, but she can be such a backstabber. Leslie told me that Shelley told her that Alexis heard Steph tell everyone at the bar that I made out with Shelley's boyfriend Zach after our Halloween party last year. I mean, yeah, I did, but we were totally drunk and Steph swore she wouldn't tell anyone about it. When she came back to the apartment a couple nights ago, I chewed her big fat ass over that.

Stephanie is just such a sweetie, I love her to death, she is the perfect friend and roommate, but God, why doesn't she get her nasty teeth fixed? Last night she came out of the bathroom and I smashed her face in with a book – hit her like 10 times and knocked that big snaggle tooth right out of her big mouth. She bled all over those stupid goddamn pants.

Steph is so wonderful, and such a great girl, a cutie, we're like lifelong best friends and she's, really, the living embodiment of all that is good and decent in this world, but she has got to be the most vindictive person I've ever met. Can you believe that this morning she actually came up to me screaming through that fat swollen face of hers about me knocking her tooth out? I did her favor knocking that thing out and she's telling me she's going to do this and that to me. So I clubbed her on the back of that big fat head of hers and knocked her out. Then I dragged her down stairs, tied her to the back of my car and drove her five miles down the gravel road that runs by our building. Then I untied her, backed over her a few times, lit her on fire and rolled her down the hill onto the interstate. Then I drove to her boyfriend's house and had sex with him, went back to the apartment, smashed up all of Stephanie's stuff, called her parents and told them she joined the Peace Corps and wasn't coming back. That will teach that bitch.

My new roommate Amy is moving in next week. I just love her to death.